


Born For This

by 00qverlord



Series: 1 AM Pepsi induced writing extravaganzas. [7]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Diary/Journal, For a school project, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity Disorder, Gender Issues, POV First Person, This is basically the journal of a trans kid through treatment, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 21:23:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12308064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/00qverlord/pseuds/00qverlord
Summary: A trans' kids life experience put into a journal format.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so. This was a school project I decided to upload on here, because it's basically my life. Everything in this is true and comes from my life, except the names of people have been changed. It's exactly my experience and what I went through, just put into an acceptable for school writing format.  
> The three chapters represent different things. The first chapter is the time before treatment, the second chapter is the time during treatment, and the third chapter is the time 'after' treatment.

**October 23rd, 2014**  
Wow, I haven't written in here for a while. Oh well.   
Today was OK I guess, usual day at school slogging through classes. I saw a post online to day that I'm thinking about a lot though. It said "if you could wake up as the opposite gender tomorrow morning, what would be the first thing you'd do?" I just thought it was interesting. I like to think I'd be cool about it but I'd probably try to go around telling everyone my name was James and that the old me was an illusion they'd made up, and that I was James all along.   
I don't really know what to think about it, I just thought it was something cool I'd write down. 

 **November 27th, 2014**  
Well, I'm officially 13 as of a couple weeks ago! It's been pretty cool I guess, but I'm still one of the youngest in my class. Guess I'm officially a teenager now. Maybe I'm not totally as happy as I would be. I'm pretty sure it's got something to do with struggling in science though. I know it's in French anyway, but Mr. Liu's such a hard teacher! I mean, vocabulary words plus projects plus homework every week? This is science not English! I think the French stream is just a lot harder in grade 8 than it was in grade 7.   
Anyway, I guess that's the update. 

 **January 16th, 2015**  
Here's the first update of the new year!   
So, I guess I learned some things about myself over Christmas break. The post that I talked about earlier got me thinking, wouldn't it be super cool if I could invent a machine that could change a person's gender, like everything in the body biologically matched who they felt like? I'd go first to test it I think, I'd like to turn into a guy, that'd be pretty cool. And then everyone else could try and they'd be happy too. 

 **February 17th, 2015**  
Well, apparently Valentine's whirlwind romances are a thing. A guy named Justin asked me to the school Valentine's dance and he's my friend so I said yes because I didn't want to disappoint him. It wasn't supposed to be anything more than the dance, but we kind of got peer-pressured into dating for a couple days. Well, I say dating, but it was more like we'd have lunch and hang out at recess together. Justin's cool, but it was a little sickening how much people wanted us to be together. He was uncomfortable and I was uncomfortable, so we basically said "yeah, it's better to just be friends". Thank God that's over. I can go back to hanging out with Anja and Leanne. 

 **February 27th, 2015**  
School's just gotten worse. Everything's gotten worse, actually. I'm feeling really terrible all the time, but my mom's convinced it's just nerves about school and finishing well to go into high school. Maybe that's just all it is, but I feel like it's not. It's really hard to wake up and go to school when I blanch every time I hear my name called. I'd only go to school to hang out with my friends if I could. I don't want to go school.   
Yeah, that's it I suppose. 

 **March 18th, 2015**  
OK, this is going to be a bit difficult to explain, but I'll try my best. So, Justin and I are still pretty good friends and he was super brave and he came out as gay to me today. Which probably explains a lot about February. But it got me thinking more about that side of things and I pretty much spent the whole afternoon researching stuff. Anyway, I came across another Tumblr post that's irrelevant but it mentioned the term transgender. Anyway, I looked it up and it talked about it being a mental thing called Gender Identity Disorder or Gender Dysphoria, where someone's body doesn't match the gender they really feel. That explains a lot about me actually. It suggests going by a different name and pronouns to help you feel better. I might bring that up to my friends at school. 

 **March 20th, 2015**  
So I learned a little bit about binding from some cosplay tutorials online, and one of them says to try and tape your chest back and down to create a flat effect. They say use medical tape, but I don't think we have that. We do have duct tape. I'm going to go grab that.   
After an evaluation, I do not recommend this method. Flatness was OK, but the duct tape was hard and painful to take off. Not trying that again. On the other hand, there's a legitimate method where you can layer sports bras to flatten again. I'll try that tomorrow at school I guess. 

 **March 28th, 2015**  
I asked my friends to call me James today, and use he/him pronouns. They were super cool with it, which is amazing. Except for one of my friends, but Leanne threatened to beat him up if he didn't respect them. Leanne's super cool, I look up to her a lot. I've never worn girl clothes much at all, but I tried wearing more specific boys clothes and I put my hair up. I almost felt comfortable looking in the mirror, which is a step. I don't think I'm going to tell my teachers, I'm almost done middle school and it wouldn't be worth the effort, since most of the teachers have known me for a couple years now. Or my parents. I'm not too sure what their reaction would be, since my dad's a minister and I've read a lot of stories online about transgender kids getting kicked out because of their parent's religion. I know they'd probably be fine, but I don't want to take the risk. Maybe I can tell my brother though. I'm gonna do some more research for a bit. 

 **April 17th, 2015**  
Big but terrifying news. My mom found out I'm trans. I still can't figure out how she knew, because I know my brother didn't rat me out. She just kind of walked into my room, sat down in my chair and asked me if I was trans. I was a little too shell shocked that she just blatantly asked that, but I was mostly terrified. If I said yes, then what? If I said no, things would go back to the way they were but I'd also go back to feeling like death might be the better option than continuing to live in a body that's not mine. So I said yes. And she, I don't know, we talked about some stuff. I told her I wanted to be James, but then she reminded me that we already have like 3 or 4 other people in our family with names that start with J and it would just get too confusing. I get to pick a name, and she's going to work on trying out my new pronouns. She told me I have to tell my dad, which I'm absolutely terrified to do. 

 **April 20th, 2015**  
Well, I told my dad. He, well, I guess he took it well. It was kind of like "oh, ok." And I couldn't really tell whether he was alright with it or not, but he didn't say anything bad like I feared, so I hope it's going to be ok. I'm going to be moving on to high school soon, I guess I should look at a name that my mom will approve of, so we can get the attendance name change going with the school. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**June 17th, 2015**  
Well, well, well, back again. It's been a while. Lots of stuff to talk about.   
My mom helped me set up a name change for high school, but I'm going back to my home school instead of the French school where I probably wouldn't do as well. Bonus that people probably won't remember me too. We're working on getting the gender changed on the attendance too. She's also letting me play hockey (FINALLY!!) registered as a boy. We went to meet with the guy who runs the summer camp for training that I'm going to, and he was super cool to talk with, he's the dad of a famous NHL player! I've also got my first appointment to Sick Kids hospital in Toronto soon, so I can get started on the more medical part of who I am and who I want to be. I picked Matthew as a name, just because I like it and it fits me, but I don't know if it'll stick around forever. 

 **July 6th, 2015**  
I had my first appointment at Sick Kids! It went super well, I met the team there, Katie who's the social worker, Sue who's the desk person, and Dr. Joey who I'll be working with a lot. They just did a lot of evaluations and stuff today, some physical checkups which I wasn't totally comfortable with but I knew they were necessary. Dr. Joey says I'm going to go on Lupron, which is a type of medicine that's basically a hormone blocker. So it won't be testosterone just yet (not likely until I'm 16 anyway), but basically it will stop puberty right in it's tracks, so I won't be growing as a girl or a boy, it'll just all be on pause for  while. Which is great. Hopefully, I'll get it at the next appointment. 

 **September 9th, 2015**  
High school is a weird experience. I like all my classes well enough, and the gender and name change seems to have gone through well. I started Lupron a couple weeks ago, so I have to get a family friend of ours to do the needle injection because I can't do it myself. I get it once a month for three months, and then once every three months.   
I like all my classes and teachers well enough, although I don't really know anyone here and I'm kind of on my own. Thankfully, no one from my elementary school remembers me, which is both a blessing and a curse. I started up an Instagram and some people thought I "looked familiar" but my friends are great and backed me up. Anyway, that's it for now I guess. 

 **January 16th, 2016**  
Wow, it's been a long time since I've written anything. Happy New Year? Just some quick updates, turned 14 which is great, still going strong on the Lupron, I've got a shot next month. My mom got me in to see a therapist person she knows because of all my anxiety and depression. Well, she doesn't see it as that, but she just figured it'd be a good idea for a person like me to discuss dysphoria with a professional. I don't think I need to see a professional, it's not like they can change my gender for me. 

 **February 27th, 2016**  
Well, I've flipped the game on everyone. I changed my name after sticking with it for so long, mostly because it was a name that my mom chose that both of us were OK with, but it didn't really feel like  _me._ You know? I don't know, there's not really a good way to describe it. I'm going by Declan now, but now comes the tedious task of telling everyone I know that my name has changed. I don't think I'm going to keep Declan, but I just needed it to be something else before I pulled all my hair out from hearing Matt again. 

 **June 5th, 2016**  
Wow, it's been a while. Alrighty. Well, Declan lasted about 3 months. I've settled on Kieran though. I like Kieran, I think this is the one I'm going to keep. I've got a Sick Kids appointment coming up soon, in which I intend to raise the question about testosterone. I'm turning 15 soon, and I know technically it's a year early, but I can see all the guys in my school physically maturing, and all the kids on my hockey team are faster, more powerful, and have way more stamina than I do due to their testosterone and I feel like I'm getting left behind. I'll update after I go. 

 **June 16th, 2016**  
He said no to the testosterone. Yeah, typical. Whatever. It's not like I hate myself enough anyway.   
Time to write an angry letter I guess?

 **September 17th, 2016**  
Guess what? Summer was freaking  _awesome._ I went to a Finnish scout jamboree with my Venturer company and it was super cool, I worked as Offer of Service there for a week and I made a lot of friend from all over the world! I also went to an LGBTQ summer camp for a week, and I swear it felt like a second home even though it's the first time I've been. I met some amazing people, like Marc and Wes, and Parker, and Tyler, and so many more. It was cool to meet people like me, who went through similar experiences to me and just wow I loved it a lot. Super stoked to go back next year. Not so stoked for school starting though. Back to the same old slog. 

 **November 20th, 2016**  
DUDES! BIG NEWS! First, I'm officially 15. Second, I GOT DR. JOEY TO AGREE TO PUT ME ON TESTOSTERONE! He says we can start at my next appointment, which is in January. I won't be 16 yet, but apparently you don't have to be 16 to start, that's just in some American states.   
Ah, I just feel really giddy and happy. I can't wait!  
Oh, also therapy's going ok, should probably record this. Uh, maybe doing a bit better with depression? Still not good with anxiety and dysphoria though, but I'm just getting better at hiding it. 


	3. Chapter 3

**January 6th, 2017**  
Right, so listen up. I got my first testosterone shot  _today._ I got Delatesyrl Testosterone, which is one of two options, the other being Depo-Testosterone. The main differences are just basically the dosage amounts, and Depo-Testosterone is pretty much only used for low testosterone levels instead of a lack of testosterone all together. Even though I think Depo is cheaper, but that's OK. I had my doctor do the shot, since I'm not trained to do it myself. I get the shot of 1.25mL every 2 weeks. It's technically supposed to be in the leg or the butt because that's where the biggest muscles are, but my doctor does it in my arm because that's where I feel comfortable having it done. I watched a lot of those transitioning videos online, and there own progress makes me exited. 

 **April 7th, 2017**  
Everything's been going pretty OK. Been on testosterone 3 months, and not seeing as many changes as I think I would like to see. I  _know_ nothing that huge happens in three months only considering regular puberty takes years, but I just wish it would go faster. I feel so terrible trapped in my own body the way I am now, I can't wait for the testosterone to do it's thing. It should lower my voice, let me have more hair on my body like a guy, like leg and arm hair and eventually facial hair, it should distribute my body fat more so I gain muscles easier, and make me look more like a Dorito than an hourglass. I don't know if it will make me any taller, but I sure do hope so. I was having a lot of anxiety watching my male friends physically progress without me, but now that I'm on testosterone I'll have the opportunity to catch up. I just wish it would go faster...

 **June 18th, 2017**  
I think my voice has dropped a little! I've been on testosterone for six months, but not a lot has changed. I got more hair in places hair was already, so it's not super exiting. But people have noticed my voice getting a little deeper, even if it's not a lot. To me, I pretty much still sound the same which is pretty disappointing. In the videos, by 6 months, guys usually had pretty deep voices. Is something wrong with me? Is the testosterone too little, is it working properly? Am I working properly? What if it never gets deeper? What if nothing changes about me at all, and I'm stuck like this? 

 **August 8th, 2017.**  
So I just got back from 3 trips, and I'm literally exhausted. I spent 2 weeks working as Program Offer of Service for the Canadian Scout Jamboree, then my family went to Chicago, and then we spent a few days visiting my Aunt and Uncle in Ottawa. Next week is what I'm looking forward to though, I'm going back to camp! It's divided by age this year though, so I'll only get to see some of my friends. But that's ok! Testosterone's going pretty well, voice has maybe dropped a bit, I can't really tell. That's about it. Therapy's also going pretty well. Update soon. 

 **September 17th, 2017**  
So I kind of learned for people like me, treatment always continues. There's no end to it. You have to take medication for the rest of your life, unless you want to go back to the way things were before (with some permanent stuff like voice change, but 10 months in and it's not changed? Yeah. At this rate it's never going to happen). I talked to my doctor today about anxiety medication as well, but she said to talk to Sick Kids and see what they can do for me. I talked to my mom about calling Sick Kids, and I'm going to see a psychotherapist soon there and work with Katie the social worker again to do some cognitive therapy, which doesn't sound completely terrible. Dr. Joey also agreed to up my testosterone dosage to try and keep it at the level I would be if I could make it on my own.  
School's back, as per usual. It's not so bad, I like my classes and my friends. Good news, I'll be 16 soon! I can learn to drive!   
Check in soon, I guess.


End file.
